A Liverpool fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says

"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Manchester United fan will get twice what you wish for."

"Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1 million quid".

"You understand that every one of the scum will receive £2 million?"

"Yep, I can live with that"

And, lo and behold, there apperars a case of £50 notes.

"Now I wish for Liverpool to win the European Cup for 10 years running"

"You understand that this means Manchester United will win the Cup 20 years running?"

"Yep, I can live with that"

And, lo and behold, there apperars a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup

"Final wish"

After some thought the Liverpool fan replies:

"I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"

Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

3 football fans are leaving the big game, one from Brighton, one from Chelsea, and one from Manchester United, when they come across the body of a dead woman lying naked in the middle of the road. Not sure what they should do, the Brighton fan takes off his supporters cap and places it over her left breast. The Chelsea supporter follows suit, placing his cap over her right breast, finally the Manchester United supporter places his Mancheser United cap over her 'lower regions', and they decide they should call the police.

Several minutes later the policeman arrives and goes over to the body to inspect it. First he lifts the Brighton cap, and looks briefly at her left breast. Next he lifts the Chelsea cap, looking briefly at the woman's right breast. Finally he lifts the Mancheser United supporters cap off the woman, but instead of looking briefly, he stares at the woman's 'privates' for about 2 minutes.

Putting the cap down the police man thinks to himself and lifts the cap again. This time staring for about 5 minutes.  The supporters think this kind of behaviour a little strange, and when the policeman finally finishes staring and comes over to them, they ask him what he had been looking at for so long.

The policeman replies: "It's the darnedest thing, but that's the first time I've ever seen anything other than an arsehole under an Manchester United cap"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were exploring deepest, darkest  Africa when they came across a huge river. They were just wondering how they would get across when a leprechaun appeared on the riverbank.

"If you can get across this river without being eaten by the crocodiles" he said, "I'll give you my pot of gold...".

"No problem" says the Englishman. He gets halfway across before being swallowed by an enormous crocodile.

The Scotsman goes next but almost as soon as he touches the water, a croc. gets him. Finally it's the Irishman's turn. Before diving in, he gets out a permanent marker and writes "MANCHESTER UNITED FOR THE LEAGUE AND CUP DOUBLE, 2010-2011" on his shirt. He then dives in and swims all the way across, no problem.

"That's amazing" says the leprechaun, "How on earth did writing "MANCHESTER UNITED FOR THE LEAGUE AND CUP DOUBLE, 2010-2011" stop the crocodiles from eating you?"

"Well", says the Irishman, "MANCHESTER UNITED FOR THE LEAGUE AND CUP DOUBLE, 2010-2011? Not even a crocodile can swallow that!!"

Fire brigade phones Alex Ferguson in the early hours of Sunday morning... "Mr Ferguson sir, Old Trafford  is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" replies Alex.

"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.The number is 0800 10 10 10.

Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.

Once again the number is

0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf."Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."

"What?" Exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Man Utd fans."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Man Utd supporter.

"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"

"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa."

"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now screw off."

Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.

Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.

A container holding 250,000 Man Utd tops was returned by the people of Haiti with a note . " We have no homes, no food, no water, but we still have our dignity.

A woman rather nervously visits her Doctor, shs sits down and without looking at the wise physician asks quietly,

"Doctor? urmm, is it possible to become pregnant from having anal sex?"

The Doctor leans forward sympathetically and holds the womans hand,

"Why of course it is my dear, where do you think Man Utd fans come from?"

David Cameron has announced that he will use Cillit Bang over Old Trafford. Bang and the dirt is gone!

Now await the replies about Leeds United (:

That was a great read Blackbox i enjoyed every minute

Glad you enjoyed it Maxi (:

Some crackers there mate,you just know they'll start on Liverpool next though